Regret.

"I’m never leaving, no one else compares." 

The lines start to blur as I read them for the 6th time. Looking back takes the breath right out of me, remembering how I probably felt in that moment, or how little I probably cared. I’ll never be able to apologize enough, nothing I say can take back the tears I made you cry.  

What happened to the love I had for you? I look back at 2009, reading over things I said, looking at pictures where I stood just watching you and smiling. Why did I change, and where did that person go? I was one of those disgustingly happy couples, the ones that make everyone else gag from being too cute. I’ll never be able to apologize enough, nothing I say can take back the pain I caused you. 

Sometimes it feels just like yesterday, the hurt climbing up into my throat as the tears stream down. I was so numb for so long, letting everything bounce off of me, trying to move just like I should. I did for a while too, but when you don’t give yourself room to grieve, room to remember and let go it can sneak up on you. You can only hold up a shield for so long until your arm has to go down and as soon as that happens every arrow that has been pointed at you for all that time will hit. And hit it did, I woke up one day and realized that you were no longer pining after me, the whole time you were begging to try one last time I shrugged you off calling you obsessed and annoying. No though the attention was off of me, for the first time in two years you had another interest and she was someone who could be everything I wasn’t. I cried for weeks, I told everyone I don’t know why I was so depressed. I did though. I told you I was happy for you, I told you I loved you, I told you I hated you, I told you that you deserved the happiness she could bring you. I’ll never be able to apologize enough, nothing I say can take back the lies I told you. 

Everyday I tried to forget and everyday I couldn’t, everyday I felt the need to pull you closer to me. Everything was different and everything was new, you know how I do with change you know that I freak out, and you knew that everything that was a constant to me, everything that was left of my old life was being taken away from me. The faces and halls I walked everyday since I was 6, the home I was raised in all changing, I would no longer go to the same school, live in the same little town nor did I have a spot in those places anymore. I needed you, and you were there as much as you could be. I was off freaking out, trying to recreate myself into this image of who I wasn’t. I was trying to change myself just like I had so many years ago before you even knew me. I wish you could of met the innocent little girl I was before my parents divorce, I wish I could be that person instead of just tell you through my memories. I started changing into such an ugly person, I started drifting away, pushing you away and I couldn’t stop myself no matter how hard I tried. I did somethings I’m not proud of, and so did you. Things that we could have worked through, that I led you to believe we worked to but in the end I always held those against you. I’ll never be able to apologize enough, nothing I say can erase who I became. 

We shared so much together. A thousand late night, forbidden whisper phone calls. A million little stories, memories, about anything from the latest political news to gossiping about our mutual friends. When everyone in my life had turned against me you stood right there, you gave me a shoulder to cry on every time I had an argument with my mom, or every night I found my dad on a drunken rampage. Every melt down, every bad day, every funny story you were just a phone call away letting me cry or recap or letting me listen when I needed to. Quickly you went from friendly acquantaince, to boyfriend, to best friend. I never was embarrassed to wear shorts and a tshirt, no make up and eat like I hadn’t for days around you. We had so many laughs, so many funny moments over ping pong matches, walks, going out, friends, and even just sitting on your couch watching the history channel all day. That’s what I miss most, I knew when we broke up I was going to lose not only my first love but the only person that knew every bad quality about me, the person I could piss off to no end yet in the end still love me even more than you did the day before. I knew losing you as my best friend was inevitable and I knew thats why I held off breaking it off with you completely so long, but I also knew I would be feeling like this. I knew I would regret it. After a point I stopped feeling all of the romantic, my flame had burnt out but I knew when you left I would love you all over again because that’s just the way everything works. I’ll never be able to apologize enough, nothing I say can give you back your time I wasted. 

I wasn’t all bad, somethings you did wrong too. That I don’t tell you now, I tell you it was all my fault because that’s what you want to hear. I do that because I’m tired of the harassment from you. I’m tired of you yelling at me even now, I’m tired of you saying all the things you always said. The things you knew would hurt me. The time you went on a walk with your ex girlfriend and didn’t tell me. The time you called her over christmas break and let me find out on my own. The times you cared more about her feelings than mine. I understand you don’t like hurting people and I understand that when you told me you liked me it hurt her. I understand. One time though, I wanted to be important, I wanted my feelings to matter. I got my wish later on, and for that I’m sorry. I’m sorry I made you hate her, I’m sorry you two couldn’t be friends. The night I’ll never forget, the day I wouldn’t ever let you live down. You had such a temper, and you lashed out so severe. I was never any help though, I fueled it, I was never letting you forget. I told you every couple fought, it was healthy in a relationship. At the time I wanted to believe this, I needed to. I tricked us both. I’ll never be able to apologize enough, nothing I say will ever make you stop hating me. 

You needed me sometimes too, and I let you down a lot. I was there as much as I could but as my months with my friends started to dwindle, the less I gave myself to you. I know how often you sobbed, I know how terrible I made you feel yet I still continued on. I gave you what could get you by and nothing more. The truth though? I needed you then too. You started focusing purely on you, and I resented that I would always be there quieting your cries as I sat there with silent tears rolling down my face. Even though you couldn’t see it, every time I tried pushing you away was a desperate attempt for you to pull me back in. I needed to hear how much you cared, I needed to see that even though everything was going to be different you would continue to be there. I handled that wrong, I should have just told you how much you really meant to me. I shouldn’t have tried begging you to stay by pushing you away. I’ll never be able to apologize enough, nothing I say will let you know how much I still need you here holding my hand and telling me it’ll be okay. 

If I could let you know anything, it would be that I’ve changed. I’m not the girl I used to be, and you aren’t the boy you once were either. I’m trying to be a better person, for you, for me, for my future, for our past. I know we will never be again, and I’m content with that. You showed me everything I possessed that no one ever should, you taught me what to put up with and what I shouldn’t, you taught me how much someone can love me and my mistakes with you are teaching me how to love someone just that much back. Even though it still brings me to my knees, I needed our romance, I needed every bad thing, every regret, every good thing, and every memory. I needed a love this fiery, and passionate and wrong because it’s made me that much stronger in the end. I’ll never be able to thank you enough, nothing I say could ever show you grateful I am.